- PENULIS: MATHEW CULLEN TANUWIJAYA LO
Salam hangat, Sobat Paulus semuanya. Nama saya Mathew Cullen Tanuwijaya Lo, biasanya dipanggil Mathew. Saya adalah salah satu anggota ekskul Varia SMA Santo Paulus Pontianak TA 2024/2025. Kali ini saya akan mencoba menulis tentang satu cerita tentang diri saya sebagai rangkaian dari kegiatan jurnalistik di divisi kami.
ONE HEART AT A TIME
There was a time in my life when I truly felt like a background character in everyone else’s story. I wasn’t the main character… not anyone’s favorite either. I was just someone who was there when needed — useful, perhaps — but always easily forgotten the moment silence returned. It happened every time.
At school, people saw me as cheerful, friendly, and approachable. But what they didn’t see was how those very traits became a double-edged sword for me. Because maybe I smiled too often, I became an easy person… an easy target. Because I cared way too deeply for others, I was used frequently — and yet I didn’t complain. I normalized it. I got used to it.
The Loneliness Beneath the Smiles
But on the other side, I always paid attention to people. I noticed their struggles. Yet they never seemed to do the same for mine. Eventually, people started calling me a “people pleaser.” That’s what my friends would say. And even though I used to deny it, I eventually realized they were right all along.
I was genuinely scared of losing people I adored… scared of being alone without anyone’s company. Whether in real life or even online, I was always the one trying to keep the connection alive — the one starting conversations, breathing life into quiet group chats. But more often than not, I was the only one talking. And when I stopped, everything and everyone went quiet. It was as if I never really mattered unless I was doing something… or a favor for them.
I was genuinely scared of losing people I adored… scared of being alone without anyone’s company. Whether in real life or even online, I was always the one trying to keep the connection alive — the one starting conversations, breathing life into quiet group chats. But more often than not, I was the only one talking. And when I stopped, everything and everyone went quiet. It was as if I never really mattered unless I was doing something… or a favor for them.
So I eventually started asking myself this question: Who will ever favor me?
Who will actually prioritize me as a human being?
Who will stay with me and love me, not for my usefulness, but for who I really am?
In my life… no one, really. Some people even openly disliked me — both online and in real life. When I made a mistake, it was treated like a sin. But when others did the same, they were forgiven, even defended. It felt really unfair, to be honest. As if my worth was always a few steps below everyone else’s. People didn’t appreciate me. They didn’t say thank you. They didn’t say sorry.
But maybe it was because I was too bright for them… too kind to them… too available for others. Maybe I made them feel like they could use me however they wanted, because I always said, “That’s okay,” “No big deal,” “Don’t worry about it.”
And maybe it’s because they knew I wouldn’t dare to fight back.
Wouldn’t dare to speak up.
Wouldn’t dare to say no.
When the Light Comes From Within
Eventually, though, the pain that slowly shaped within me finally created something new: not hatred — just awareness. I realized that I couldn’t control the world. I couldn’t make people care about me. I couldn’t force anyone to love me the way I loved them.
But there was one thing I could do: I could choose to love myself.
I stopped being angry at everything and started forgiving my life. Even those who hurt me badly — they’re just lessons now. They shaped me. They pushed me to draw boundaries. To value myself. To understand what I truly deserve in this uncontrollable world.
But there was one thing I could do: I could choose to love myself.
I stopped being angry at everything and started forgiving my life. Even those who hurt me badly — they’re just lessons now. They shaped me. They pushed me to draw boundaries. To value myself. To understand what I truly deserve in this uncontrollable world.
I slowly stopped trying to conquer the big world… I just wanted to be my own best friend. I helped people, just enough. I gave, just enough. I didn’t throw myself into everyone’s problems just to feel needed anymore.
“They don’t think about me,” I told myself one day,
“So I don’t need to keep thinking about them.”
Not bitterness — just peace and calm.
The first semester passed. It was wild, painful, overwhelming… and it hurt. But it taught me many lessons. And as the second semester began, I rose up. I rebuilt my self-worth. I started loving myself — not because I believed I was better than anyone else, but because I finally understood that I mattered too, just like everyone else.
Although I still feel invisible sometimes — I still see others shine while I’m left in the corner — I don’t feel so empty anymore. I’ve filled that empty space with my own attention, my own care, and my own pure love. And I’ve realized that… I’m more peaceful. Happier. The problems don’t come as often as they used to. Not because the world has changed, but because I have changed — for me, and myself only.
I don’t need to be everyone’s favorite. I stared at the sky and thought:
I just need to be my own.
To be myself.
I don’t need their spotlight. I can assure myself that one day, my own light will switch on — and when it does, I won’t need to ask people to look.
They’ll turn their heads automatically, surprised, because I’ll be glowing — not because of anyone else, but because I finally chose to live for me, not for anyone else.
The first semester passed. It was wild, painful, overwhelming… and it hurt. But it taught me many lessons. And as the second semester began, I rose up. I rebuilt my self-worth. I started loving myself — not because I believed I was better than anyone else, but because I finally understood that I mattered too, just like everyone else.
Although I still feel invisible sometimes — I still see others shine while I’m left in the corner — I don’t feel so empty anymore. I’ve filled that empty space with my own attention, my own care, and my own pure love. And I’ve realized that… I’m more peaceful. Happier. The problems don’t come as often as they used to. Not because the world has changed, but because I have changed — for me, and myself only.
I don’t need to be everyone’s favorite. I stared at the sky and thought:
I just need to be my own.
To be myself.
I don’t need their spotlight. I can assure myself that one day, my own light will switch on — and when it does, I won’t need to ask people to look.
They’ll turn their heads automatically, surprised, because I’ll be glowing — not because of anyone else, but because I finally chose to live for me, not for anyone else.